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  • janenewaudby

Another year older

I am older. I know that I get older every day, but the birthday milestone cannot help but remind you. A few grey hairs or wrinkles doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is knowing that I am at a really good party and it is 10pm already and I don't want it to be over any time soon. Its not something I think about often, but that's always been the way I feel about aging. When I was really little, I liked to try and think about what infinity looked like - how is it that space can just go on and on? I feel the same thing about my own life and the fact that all the light and shade in your very soul will one day just go out and then... nothing. Obviously I know we are all going to die as if we are all travelling together on a great train, and that some of us just have to get off a bit earlier than others, but ultimately we all have to get off at some point. Its just weird that each of us amount to so much within the universe that is our own lives, but amount to nothing at all within the greater universe outside - just a collection of cells. What are we supposed to make of that?

Anyway, on a separate but related subject, I am no good at celebrating birthdays either. We didn't do it much as children (I can't actually remember having a party, though I suppose I must have done at some point). My parents never celebrated much (is it a modern thing?), so I never learned the skills about how to be the reason for a party. If I am honest, I didn't even like my own wedding much. I always end up running around making sure everyone is ok and speaking to people for all of 10 seconds and then rushing off again. I don't understand how I am supposed to do it. Is that supposed to be fun? Maybe I need to go on a course... As I've got older, I resist the pressure for parties and try and do what I want.... which is usually exactly what I do every day (get left in peace, walk the cat, make some pottery....). You can come with me, but just don't throw me a party.

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